ellie’s big little girl bed

cue allllllllllll the tears. like sheets of rain jumping outta my eyes.

{apologies now as i get passionate talking about this stuff…so i then start to ramble.}

at the beginning of may, we took away the paci from ellie. oh my goodness…it pained me a bit to do so but ellie made it so easy. one day, i said no paci and she was like ok and i hid it. i was very, very surprised that she gave it up so easily because months prior…it was a fight to always have it {and i always gave in}. so, that was the first part of my heart breaking a bit.

olive never took to the paci, so i never had to break her from it but with ellie being our last baby, the fact that we weaned her from the paci was another moment of me realizing that she is growing up. it is just so damn bittersweet.

so that was the first milestone.

we had purchased ellie’s toddler bed awhile back in readiness for her transition. we wanted to have it just in case she showed signs that she was ready to sleep in a big girl bed. i decided on a toddler bed because one: she’s so damn tiny and i know she will sleep in it for several more years and two: it was so darn cheap!!!! also, three: her room is small in square footage, so a little bed was a perfect fit for her space. we bought the bed for $70 and the bedding for less than $100! score!

at bed time, one week, i put ellie in olive’s bed and she was grinning ear to ear. i asked her if she wanted to sleep in a big girl bed and she nodded her head yes. i told hc what had happened and he took it literally. so on 5.28, he surprised us both {while i was at gymnastics with ellie} and built ellie’s bed!

uhhhhhh, who cares if ellie was ready cause i was NOT! i came home and i was like whaaaaaaaa?! i kept thinking, where’s her crib? i’m not ready! what? my baby has a big girl bed?! i was crying inside a little bit but i knew it was time. kind of. sniff. sniff.

ellie saw the bed and freaked out. she didn’t want it. those were her words. ‘i don’t want it’. it’s so cute when she says that! i think she was freaking out a bit because i told her that if she wanted to sleep in a big girl bed, she would have to stop nursing. {yes, i still nursed ellie…those who judge have NO IDEA, so don’t roll your eyes and crinkle your face in disgust. shame on you for judging the most beautiful bond a mother and child can have but more on that later}.

ellie laid down in the her new bed cautiously and hesitantly. i knew this was going to be a big change for her. that night when we were getting her ready for bed…she seemed stiff and worried. i put her down in her bed, grabbed a book to read to her, and she had the most somber look. once i finished the book and said goodnight…she started bawling. oh it broke my heart. i walked out, slightly closed the door and she cried soooooo loud. i came back in because my heart couldn’t take it and saw the most devastated look on her face. i looked at rich and he said ‘just nurse her. let’s not shock her all at once.’ so i did. i nursed her for three more days and then it happened.

on 5.31…ellie gave up nursing.

yes it happened. it finally happened. i had played around with the idea of us giving it up several times prior to this but each time, ellie put a kibosh on it. she firmly held her ground and would NOT stop nursing. i didn’t mind. i loved it…probably just as much as ellie.

so, let me talk about nursing and why i loved it so much. while i was pregnant with olive, i was not fond of the idea of nursing. #truth. i didn’t want to. i didn’t like the idea. i didn’t want to be bothered. #truth then around 7-8 months pregnant, i thought: why knock something you haven’t tried? so i committed to the idea and said to myself – i am going to give it a try…and see where it takes us – boom. olive was born and 20 months later…she chose to give up nursing herself and i cried. it was so easy for her to say bye bye to the boob.

when i started nursing olive, i told myself the goal was six months. then six months led to one year. then one year led to 20 months and then she became a big girl and said, ‘see ya later booby…i don’t need you anymore’ and i was utterly sad. that day is so clearly etched into my memory.

olive’s journey was tough. so much more tough than ellie. nursing olive hurt and it didn’t just hurt in the beginning…we struggled, i had anxiety, i bled and not through a bite {although she only bit me once and learned her lesson and never did it again}, and it was at times very, very painful but i persevered and we made it to 20 months. i loved everything about nursing…it’s difficult to put into words how amazing the experience can be. giving birth was so freakin’ empowering and feeding my child was like the cherry on top. i feel that being a mother, overall, i was meant to nurse. the emotional return was priceless.

ellie’s journey was so much more relaxing, easy, and pain-free. i was seasoned, i didn’t care where i nursed, and ellie loved it. our journey hit six months, one year, two years, and it almost hit three years. 2 years and 10.5 months to be more exact.

our whole experience was absolutely wonderful. i loved nursing for the closeness, the quiet moments together, the bond, and the nurturing aspect of it. there’s something so wonderful about feeding your child, having those special one on one moments with her just filled my heart with joy. i couldn’t imagine doing a better act as a mother.

now, let’s talk about other people’s perception and how many people judge you, had opinions, and literally rolled their eyes at me for still nursing ellie.

i am a firm believer that you do what is right for you and your babe. people will judge. people will comment. people will think it’s wrong she’s so ‘old’ but who really gives a shit? everyone has an opinion and i chose to not be bothered by it. if anyone ever showed signs of judgment…i am confrontational and i just made it awkward for them. their opinions didn’t stop us or persuaded me. sometimes i felt when people judged me…they wanted to shame me into agreeing with them but it caused the opposite effect.

there are worse things a mom could be doing than nursing her almost three year old daughter. give me a break. people looked at me like i had two heads. uh, there are moms out there who neglect their kids, who abuse their kids, who don’t feed their kids, who don’t care for them in a proper way, and people are going to verbally judge me because i am providing my child with love, care, and nutrients?! you don’t think it’s right i should nurse my child who can walk and talk?! smh. create a better argument and maybe i’ll listen.

on 6.14, we had a slight relapse. totally not her fault. my bad for positioning ourselves the way we used to nurse! we woke up one morning and hc was home as well. olive and hc were laying in our bed when i got up to wake ellie. i pulled her into our bed and we laid down. now, during our nursing days, we used to nurse in our bed, laying down and this brought back strong memories for her and she tugged at my shirt to nurse. i said, “no, ellie…no more night night.” {what we called it} and within a nano second she burst into tears. oh my heart shattered into a million pieces. she cried and was so distraught, tugging at my shirt. i softly told her no again and she was so upset…oh my poor baby!

i felt so bad but after 5-10 minutes, she got over it and we moved on. i won’t be doing that again for awhile {laying her down in our bed in the morning} but we are totally in the clear. she is boob free, i am free, and we are both loving life!

so, short story long…we finally put together ellie’s big girl bed and all the big girl things fell into place. now if we can master the potty training, we’ll be good as gold!

sooooo, check out her ‘big’ girl room below {her room pretty much stayed the same, we really just updated a few things}. i am loving all the details. sigh…oh my sweet ellie. you always keep us on our toes.